Tell Me What You Want. What You Really, Really, Want.
It’s me again, Annie.
Welcome back to my awkwardly fun and sometimes infuriating dating life. I’m here to prove there is life after a serious relationship. There is life and more love, after love. It may not always be successful, it may be more weird than it ever is romantic, but then again awkward is my game so stay tuned.
My dad always told me, “Trust your gut. It will never steer you wrong.” I have always been a firm believer in that. I have always tried to practice it and I will tell you, my gut has never, ever steered me wrong. No matter what, I always listen to what my gut instincts tell me…well, except when it comes to men.
When it comes to dating, trusting your gut instinct seems like should be an easy thing to do, but we all know, that’s not always the case. If you are anything like me, you want to see the good in everyone. You want to believe everyone’s intentions are honorable. I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I like to believe that even though something may not be going exactly how I want, if i just stick it out a little longer then maybe it will change. Well, I am here to tell you that that mentality is COMPLETE UTTER BULLSHIT. So please, do as I say and not as I do.
When it comes to dating, relationships are a two way street. But all too often, one party usually winds up much more interested and involved than the other. Now, I know this may not always be the case, but just hear me out. Usually one person is more interested than the other. I mean, isn’t that what dating is about? Playing hard to get when deep down you are praying they won’t break your heart. The excitement and intrigue of chasing someone, but hoping to God once you catch them, you still want them. Or more accurately, that they still want you. It is all a game. And we all know how games work. There is always a losing team.
A two way street means both people should meet in the middle. Both give 100% (but when does that ever happen), so that each of you make up 50% of whatever it is between you two. Here is the more accurate description of what normally happens: someone winds up putting in way more effort, than the other. Now it’s more like 70/30. And from experience, mainly recent experience for me, it never ends well for the one putting in 70%.
Let’s break it down…
You like this guy. He is great and on paper he has all the qualities and attributes you seek in someone. He likes the same type of music you like, he has a good head on his shoulders, he is focused, has a career plan, good looking, and very kind. But what you don’t see written on that paper is how emotionally detached he is. How he only ever does things on his own time and terms and how he can’t seem to be bothered to make time for anyone else but himself. He is his only priority. And I’m not saying that is a bad thing, nor does that make him a bad person. Hell, it probably makes him a smart person. If he is only ever doing things for himself, how often does he get let down by others? Probably not very often. Maybe I should start taking pages out of his book.
So the more you date him, the more these unattractive qualities come to light and the moment you see them your gut tells you to run the other direction. But, of course, you don’t because you want to believe it’s “just a phase” and maybe things will change. But they never do and never will because that is who he is. He is not a bad person by any means. You both just want different things, but his emotional unavailability and detached personality never give you any indiction of what he does, or rather, doesn’t want. Your gut knows you are going to lose this battle, your gut is screaming at you to run the other way, but your heart wants to believe he will flip the switch and open up. So, you stay a little longer.
Now, you’ve made the decision to stick it out even though your gut tells you something is off. You try to initiate plans to see him, but he always seems to have an excuse or something else going on. You tell yourself next time he calls because he wants to see you, that you will be unavailable. But then the call comes through and you can’t possibly be busy because, hell, it’s been 2 weeks since you have seen him. So you see him, and he wins time after time. It’s always on his terms, never yours. Regardless of the facts staring you in the face, you continuously put in effort only to watch him take 10 steps back. Then you find yourself constantly wondering what the hell his deal is. Wondering why it is so damn difficult. And that is the biggest sign of all. It should never, ever be that difficult. If it is, I promise, it is not worth having. You should never have to beg someone to pay attention to you. The minute you have to start begging is the minute you need to walk out and slam the fucking door.
Ladies (and gentlemen), I am here to say if someone you are supposedly exclusive with is only seeing you once every 2 weeks: RUN. If they cannot be bothered to make time for you in their life: RUN. We all have lives. We all have a million things going on and yes, some are busier than others, but I have been told time and time again that if someone wants to be with you, then they will absolutely without a doubt make the effort to be with you regardless of how busy their life is. It’s only taken me many failed attempts and bruises on my heart to realize how true that piece of advice actually is.
So where are you now? Sitting, wishing, wondering what is going through his mind. What does he want? Is he playing for keeps or just indulging on an in-the-moment craving? You know what you need to do. You know you are over the entire situation yet you can’t bring yourself to send that “this just isn't working” text. Why? Because that optimistic, give everyone the benefit of the doubt trait you posses keeps you from taking back control of your valuable time and life. And just as you are thinking, “Ok, I’ll give him one more chance. But only one more…” (which you know is a lie) his name pops up on your phone flashing the text we all dread. You got it, “we need to talk”.
Your stomach turns to knots, anger sets in, and all you can think is, I should have trusted my gut.
Until next time…
Annie K.
